Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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