Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
