dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Swine flu is the new snow day.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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