Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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