Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
