My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
