You can't motorboat a personality
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
