it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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