Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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