Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Randomize
