I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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