I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
