my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
