why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
