you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
