apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
