We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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