I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
