so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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