I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
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she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
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I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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