I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
