Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
did i just pee glitter
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
