Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
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