saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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