The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
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I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
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And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
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