I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize