I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You dont lie about slip and slides
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
