you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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