I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
