i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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