My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
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I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
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first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"