The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
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we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
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If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk