Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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