I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
