so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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