i just wanna soil my oats bro
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Randomize
