Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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