i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
