After last night, I could never be a politician.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
