if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
