He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
