The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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