It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Fuck appropriateness.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
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