somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
try to milk me bitch
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