oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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