Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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