Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
my liver is dry heaving
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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