the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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