He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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