You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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