Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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