i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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