: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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