Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
