Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
