the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
