Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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