I just pynch a tree in the face
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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