All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
