there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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