My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
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