I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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